So funny

15 Saturday Dec 2018

Posted by in Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

wow it has been a long time since I felt the need to write here. I guess this is where I go to vent when you have no sense of wrong doing, no self realization and thinking you did nothing wrong.

Besides the point whether what you said was right or wrong – you were rude and disrespectful. What is making me angry is the fact that you acted like that toward me in front on someone else. You were speaking rudely and disrespecting me as not just your girlfriend now – your fiancée. How can I imagine how you will act and speak when I become your wife? Or maybe this is a red flag for me that maybe our relationship isn’t great for married life. Who knows…but at least those are the thoughts I have in my head at this moment. Speaking like that with such a tone….wow….and not even any kind of apology.

I’m extremely disappointed in you, honestly I’m speechless. What kind of big issue is the topic that you had to act that way? Was it really worth you breaking down our relationship over? You made me feel like someone else, you seemed like someone I never knew. Was it maybe because you feel better about yourself disrespecting me in front of somebody else?? Does it make you feel more manly? Does it make you feel more in control? Please, explain to me why you felt like it was necessary to speak to me like that.

Oh, I know what I’m feeling now – to clarify, it’s not even anger, not just disappointment, I feel hurt. Hurt by how you acted and I still don’t understand.

i hate how you say we don’t let anger or problems last through the night…but look at you now, just deep asleep without feeling apologetic or regretful that what you said was so wrong and here I am holding onto the hurt I just received.

Thanks I guess. Haha, I’m so speechless…

 

When a soft hand doesn’t do.

13 Wednesday Jul 2016

Posted by in Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

I realized I made a mistake…I’ve tried to overcome and compromise with this issue by telling myself I believe you, by telling myself he will change. The mistake lies where I put my faith in the wrong place, my faith and trust should have been in God. I should have put my faith in God to move his heart and strengthen him. I hope it’s not too late…I know it’s never too late.

I’ve been thinking and thinking, giving and loving. I honestly gave you my all, I gave you all my faith, I chose to believe you would change if I kept loving you, I had faith in you. I thought if I guided you with a softer hand and constant support you would change. I don’t think this way is working. Every time I tell you it’s ok, I love you, you seem to take it as a way out thinking “phew, i’m safe” and go about doing nothing but the same things, the same habits, the same non-sense you’ve always done. I wonder if one day you’ll actually stop and say to yourself “wow, she has always  been there for me and given me so much, it’s time I give her what she deserves”.

I made sure to subdue my feelings and thoughts before speaking, for fear of triggering your frustration, and I hate to admit it, but also for fear of losing you. In the very back of my mind, I always came back to the same questions each and every time no matter how I try to convince myself.

“I don’t get it, why is it so hard to do that if you love me? My love for you motivates me and gives me strength to do the things I would never ever imagine, but why doesn’t it do that for you? Do I love you differently? or do you not love me enough? If you risked losing me would you then finally have the strength to do something? If I said you are risking losing me, I wonder what that means to you. Or if I left, would you breath out a sign of relief and leave Canada? or would you stay and fight for me? I’m so confused by your actions, or lack of…”

These cycles are tiring, they’re a sign of mistrust and doubt. I hate that about me, I hate that I’m doubting you, I hate that I still have that question in my head. I hate that I’m blaming myself for something that isn’t even my fault, but it pains me to give you pain, and that I blame myself for.

Now, my words may be harsh, but you need to understand. I don’t think it’s ok for you to do nothing when I tolerate with expectation and tell you it’s ok. I can’t say for sure, but if this carries on the same way, you may really be at risk of losing this relationship…but please tell me you’ll stay and fight..